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Puff: Everyone must write an essay on what not to do at a stoplight.
I have thought these same thoughts for a very long time. As I think about it more, I wonder if parents (moms) may be subconsciously contributing to this when they dress their daughters up all fancy and focus so much on their hair and other outward stuff. I am not suggesting that we should put girls in “boys’ clothes,” but maybe give them more freedom in choosing their own clothes. We might be surprised at what they choose.
This also applies to little boys. Our 9 year old grandson is adorable, of course, and everyone he meets tells him so. They gush about his eyes, his hair, his smile and no one ever asks him about his likes or what he does. He is brainwashed to think that all he needs to do is become a model and he doesn’t need to try in school or think of another career that he’s interested in. He is kind of wiry and not concerned about weight, yet anyway, but he is very concerned about staying clean and not getting scars that will ruin his appearance. People need to be more sensitive about programing children.
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Thank you for your comment! You have said exactly what I thought when reading this article. We should give truthful compliments whenever the occasion presents itself. Telling a little three year old girl that she looks darling in her pink nightgown is going to do far less damage than the beauty magazines she’s going to start reading as a teenager. It would have been so easy to tell that little girl how cute she is and then transition the conversation to her books.
I’m an unrepeatable person. So are you if you’re reading this. I think you’re beautiful. I think you’re smart. I think you have the ability to do whatever you set your mind to.
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I have a 2 year old and have struggled with knowing if its okay to call her beautiful and cute or if I should curb my natural impulses because it is VERY important to me that she doesn’t think her value is in her physical appearance. I have decided a balance is best. She is pretty, she naturally loves all things sparkles but also obsesses over animals and loves playing with matchbox cars. As destructive as it may be for her to think being pretty is the most important thing about her it would also be destructive if her mom never told her she is pretty in a world that is telling her looks are very important. She will just grow to feel she is must not be and become all the more obsessed with the looks she doesn’t have. My mom always told me I was pretty in such a casual and free way I just decided I was so it was never something I had to worry about. It wasn’t until I hit my twenties that it even occurred to me that maybe I wasn’t really as attractive as I had always thought. But by then it was kind of a funny revelation to me. Through all of this though, knowing I was pretty, my mom telling me was, and not even worrying about it, I knew my strength and the one thing that made me special was my intelligence (which also turns out was a little overblown, but again, oh well). Somehow she made it to where I knew I was pretty but it was after thought, but it was my intellect, my wit, my superior logic that I needed to compete to maintain. I love make up and clothes and hair and shopping, but my intelligence is what I am proud of. My intelligence is what I work and fight for. And that is what I want for my toddler. Not necessarily her intelligence, but whether it is her integrity or athleticism or her empathy, or her passion, I want her to find her value there, but never worry about her looks, because that is just a given.
The fact is, I am very attractive, and my family did their best never to recognize that fact. The message then came across that good looks were worrisome, in need of avoidance, something never to be spoken about. My sister was in graduate school (for Chemical Engineering) before she decided to do anything towards her appearance… soon after, she called me, crying and said “I always scripted you as the pretty, dumb one of us, and myself as the ugly smart one. Now I realize that I am pretty, too, and you are smart! I’m so sorry for not wanting anything to do with you!”
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Being a woman with 3 daughters and 1 son I have earned the right to say the following:
Allow your daughters to be goddesses. Not only do they deserve it, THEY ARE! Simply teach them the difference between inner beauty & strength vs unrealistic social paradigms. And seriously, drop the equality/feminist crap. Equal rights is one thing, but we are built different then men and each sex is better at DIFFERENT things. 99.99999% of women do not want the majority of jobs, 24/7 focus, or physical characteristics of men; nor do men desire to be on compassionate call, on the feminine wave of emotion 24/7, or have to enjoy grooming as much as us. I love looking sexy and do fully shave for my husband (along with many other beautiful goddess tasks), and he loves taking care of me in SO many manly ways! Teach your girls to embrace their feminine cores, and your boys their masculine, and (respectfully & lovingly) the alternate if your beautiful child falls into that category as well.
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I tell my girls they are beautiful. I tell the they are smart and funny. I also tell my son he is the cutest little boy ever and that he is also smart, funny, and silly. Because they are. And telling my children they are beautiful does not negatively impact their self-esteem, it does not make their self worth center around their physical traits. It’s simply the truth and frankly, they need to grow up thinking they are attractive in addition to being intelligent, athletic, funny, and whatever else they may be. Having confidence in their appearance is better than feeling uncertain about it.
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When my kids have asked about my stretch marks I have told them in a matter of fact way what they are and how I got them. I do not say anything about how I do not like them.
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As a dad, I want to thank you for reaffirming my belief that we have to model success for our girls. It’s not clothes, looks, popularity, money. It is service to others, intellectual growth, exploring, building and so much more. If you have a chance check out what my 9 and 7 year old daughters have been doing at and keep up the great writing and encouragement to all parents.
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